I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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