I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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