My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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