wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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