He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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