Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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