She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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