we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
