Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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