Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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