Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
