The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
