i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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