i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
