if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
