You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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