Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
