You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
