Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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