im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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