I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
