why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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