he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am midnight drunk by noon
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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