I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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