nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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