On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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