You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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