I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
