O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
