Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
