he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
