she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
