I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
