3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
