Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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