Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
