The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He shit in the fireplace
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
