Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
