No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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