i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
