My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
