hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
