All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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