Ambien. No doubt about it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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