That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
