Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
