Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
