Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
