No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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