and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
